The Bitter, Brave, and Beautiful
by TheRabbit'sFedora
Summary: Bella Cullen would rather pretend everything was alright and be accepted by her adoptive family instead of dealing with the past. But when the mysterious Edward King -older brother to her sister's fiancee- returns home, everything she thought was true starts to spin out of control. Old wounds open, and Bella must learn to remember and move on. Rated M for language and themes.
1. Ash and Memories

**Ash and Memories**

_"You're beautiful." _

_A dark whisper against my neck._

_Fingertips trailing on my thigh._

_Caressing._

_Ghosting between my legs._

_I kick out._

_A hand clamps over my lips to muffle my screams._

_I'm thrashing the darkness._

_Pain at the back of my head, blocking out the fluorescent lights in my eyes._

_Something warm and sticky drips down my neck._

_I already know what it is._

_Blood._

_My blood._

**xxx**

I jerk upright in my seat just as a crumpled ball of paper hits my cheek. It bounces once on my desk and settles on the floor. I see that it was the fifth one.

Around me, there is a chorus of silent laughter.

My heart is pounding, not from this childish display of oppression.

_It's not real. Get yourself together._

After my heart has stilled, I shoot a glare at the blonde idiot sitting three seats down my row.

Mike Newton writes something, crumples it, and throws it at me. I catch the note and untwist the paper.

_WAKE UP SLEEPING BEAUTY_

I crumple the paper again, and it joins its comrades on the floor.

_I mustn't retaliate._ _Nothing good ever comes out of that_.

I glace at the clock on the wall. Twenty more minutes till the end of class.

Out of the corner of my eye I see him look back at a friend. He is grinning.

I want to punch it off his face, though I've never punched anyone before. I would be the one with the bruises. And, despite the injustice, I would be given a white slip of paper requesting my presence in the Principal's Office.

Another ball is thrown, and this one hits the back of my head.

I shoot a glance at the distracted Banner writing an equation on the board and babbling about cell theory. I know for certain that he will turn his head at precisely the wrong moment.

The hypothesis had been proven time and time again. It was now a Theory with a capital T.

_Fuck this._

I turn and throw the crumpled paper back to the thrower: Tyler Crowley.

He dodges it and his elbow knocks his notebook to the ground making Banner turn around.

"What, exactly, Miss Cullen, are you doing." His deep voice holds no question, just accusation. I hate being called that.

Snickers. The loudest are from Lauren Mallory who flips her long blonde hair over her shoulder with a well-practiced hand motion. Newton follows the gesture with his eyes though he does not realize it.

I sneer "Just fuck off, Mr. B." I don't add anything intelligent to the insult; it would be lost on the great leader of anti-Darwinism. I have long since given up on making him believe the subject he teaches.

"The office, Miss Cullen. I hope I don't need to show you the way out." He gestures with his green marker.

I roll my eyes and pack up my things: a chewed pen, a coffee stained notebook, and a ratty bag.

I stalk out as gracefully as I can -not very graceful- and slam the lab door behind me. I relish the hollow echo it makes as the sound bounces off the surrounding red brick buildings.

From the pocket of my jeans I pull out a cigarette and light it. Drawing the at once toxic yet fragrant smoke into my aging lungs brings a smile to my lips.

I started smoking two years ago to the horror of my stepbrother, though he's thankfully decided to keep it from his parents. When I was fourteen I had managed to swipe a pack from my best friend's father. The two of us had gingerly shared a cigarette, neither willing to be the pussy who couldn't smoke like a man.

**xxx**

_The coughing fit that left me was explosive._

"_Shhhh!"_

_I looked up and sneered at the younger boy. "You shhhh!" I whisper shouted at him._

_We were sitting on the floor of Jake's Dad's garage. I had just taken my first real drag from a cigarette. I was in hell._

_Jake kicked my leg _

"_Ow! Dude, that was me!"_

_He shrugged. "I know."_

_I sighed. "Jesus, how old are you?" I couldn't believe I took him with me. I should have taken Angela._

"_Hey."_

"_What do you want, Jake."_

"_Pass it to me." He demanded, gesturing for the lit cigarette in my hand._

"_Yeah, no." I force myself to take another lungful. It burns. I barely manage to blow it out without coughing. "I'm older than you." I continued. "I'm supposed to be responsible."_

_He snorted and dissolved into silent giggles._

_I rolled my eyes. "What?" I said, annoyed._

"_Nothing," he managed to gasp out. "It's just that you've pretty much screwed that bit up."_

_I smacked him. "Shut it, you dick. A little respect is in order." I hide my cringe when the word "dick" comes out._

"_Perhaps I would if you deserved it!" he said mischievously. _

"_You little shit!" I made a swipe for him, but he ducked. I fell forward, and he deftly plucked the cigarette from between my fingers._

_Before I could say anything, he brought the stick to his lips and took in a deep breath. _

_His coughing was as explosive as mine. I hid a smirk._

"_So, how'd you like it?" I asked._

"_Love it" He replied hoarsely. He took in another drag, and that made me narrow my eyes. I was not about to get shown up by some thirteen year old._

"_Give it back, little kids shouldn't smoke." I snapped before I stole back the roll of paper._

**Xxx**

It's strange how people change. One minute, it's as if they are standing beside you. The next, you hardly know them. The next, they're gone forever.

Here, in Forks, people change as they do everywhere else. Though perhaps it is only here where change occurs mostly when people test the fates.

When Harry Clearwater jumped off Elder's Cliff two years ago, His wife Sue drank all her husband's alcohol, thirsty as the fish he used to catch with his buddies. She grew fat, and smoked. Her daughter Leah had to raise her brother Seth alone. None of them were ever the same again.

The kids in La Push often jumped off Elder's Cliff as a test of mettle. I've jumped off it once. It was the singularly most terrifying thing in my life. I dropped like a stone from impossible heights struggling not to faint before I hit the water.

**xxx**

_"It all depends on how strong your legs are, and how far you can propel yourself into the water. Bella," I looked up at him. My face is reflected in his eyes "you know you don't have to do this, right?"_

_It was the height of summer and the water was being tossed wildly by the wind._

_Jake was pleading and his golden eyes were serious. He knew all too well the danger of jumping off Elder's Cliff. His father had lost his legs, and he very nearly followed suit._

_"Jacob Black" I teased, "are you suggesting I back down from Paul's dare?"_

_He could tell I was only distracting myself. He knew me better than anyone._

_"I love you Bella." He whispered into my ear as if it was a secret. Time slows and my heart beats faster. I feel blood heat up my cheeks and look up to see him blushing too. It was the first time he's said he loved me aloud._

_"So, just-"_

_I cut him off, "I know Jake," I murmured and placed a quick hesitant kiss on his cheek_

_I jumped off Elder's Cliff, and for a moment I saw the world in clarity; the grey clouds held such defined forms while the rocks below me looked so sharp that it hurt to look at them. Gravity pulled me downwards leaving my queasy stomach somewhere in the sky. All I could hear was the loud rush of wind in my ears; I could see the blur of earthy colors and feel the panic in me rising as my body fell without care of up or down. I hit the icy water with a sharp splash and it nearly knocked me out cold. Jake swam out to help me get back to the shore._

_That evening, we wrapped ourselves in towels and sat on his living room floor and shared a kiss that tasted of saltwater and hot sunshine._

**xxx**

I blow out my breath of smoke. I've changed since that jump. Just another one of the many things I'd rather not remember, though I can't decide if I'd rather forget what happened before the jump, or afterwards.

It's been a few months since then, and it hurt less than I thought it would. The painful sobs that once shook my body and the bitter aches that pierced me deep within my chest faded to twinges of longing for what we had. Or what I thought we had. Perhaps it didn't hurt so much because we were never really together. Or maybe it just wasn't love like he said it was.

_Or maybe you're too good at forgetting._

After I finish my cigarette and flatten the remains beneath my old shoes, I walk into Mr. Greene's office. I can smell myself despite the air freshener that reeks of sickening sweetness and the air conditioner cooling the office ten degrees above average Forks temperature. I smell of ashes and old memories.

I am greeted with the customary stack of papers littering the desk of Forks High School's principal. I sigh heavily. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

**AN: Hey, so yeah, I edited this. Hope you like it. Feedback makes me smile and is much appreciated :)**


	2. Dysfunctional

**AN:**

**thanks to those who faved and followed me :)**

**this is for you guys**

_Disclaimer: all recognizable characters belong to appropriate owners, the rest is from yours truly_

**September 2013**

**Dysfunctional**

I take a puff from the cigarette and pass it back to Leah. My fingers are curled around Angela's, and Alice has her head on my lap.

Its evening and the chill on the wind is starting to get to me. It smells like rain.

"I have to go guys," I murmur. "It's really late."

Leah laughs at me. The sound is low like thunder.

"It's like fucking five o'clock or something; your parents must be control freaks to have you back so early. I don't know why you don't just do what you want."

_Maybe because I live with a mentally unstable woman instead of a drunk who doesn't care._

Angela squeezes my fingers gently.

"It's not my fault my car doesn't like going above 50 mph." I manage to wheeze out a laugh. "And, what kind of sister would be if I left Jasper to the wolves?"

Alice turns her head. "Are they really that bad?" she asks softly and stares at me with her piercing deep blue eyes. Alice looks like an angel. Her skin is clear, she's always been small and thin like the girls in magazines, except more graceful. She shouldn't be here hanging out with Angela, Leah, and me.

_Don't look at me like that._

Angela musses up Alice's pitch black pixy hair and reassures her that I'm exaggerating. Even though she knows I'm not.

I push Alice off my lap, squeeze Angela's hand in good bye and wave at Leah.

I leave them behind the bike shed and make my way past the dull red buildings of Forks High School. Small drops of liquid fall from the sky.

Sure enough, it's raining when I pull away from the parking lot in my Chevy.

_No surprise there._

Water splashes when my heavy black tires roll over the puddles collected in the shallow holes of old asphalt, and the windshields squeak like dry fingers pressed and dragged across a balloon.

My eyes dart to the screen of my cracked Nokia. Its face reads 5:48.

20 minutes to the house with my 50 mph car. I will definitively be late for dinner. I've already screwed up the evening.

**xxx**

"I'm home!" I call, opening the dark wooden door to the Cullen House. I glance at my phone screen again.

It's 6:15

Shit. Five minutes late for dinner.

"Dining room," Esme's lilting voice calls from cloud nine.

I pull off my shoes and my damp jacket and drop my bag by the door before moving to where the Cullen Family congregates around dinner time like people sitting in church.

Carlisle is the priest dressed in white, looking saintlike with his halo of blone hair. Esme is one of the volunteering ladies who hand you the wafer and wine. My brother and sister, Jasper and Rosalie, are the devout followers whose hands are as clean as they were on the day they were born. And I am the black sheep, that kid who comes late and tries -and fails- to sneak in through the heavy wooden doors without notice.

"The one who must be saved," as Carlisle sometimes likes to say.

I step into the bright candle lit room and Carlisle lifts his head and his cold eyes meet mine. His pale slender fingers still over what looks to have once been meat. That is, meat that has been blackened and taken on a shiny sheen. Like charcoal deep fried in oil

He pauses before he speaks. "Your misconception of punctuality will not be tolerated in this house." He says with an air of finality before turning back to the dead meat on his plate. As if telling me for the twentieth time will make a difference.

Esme smiles at me, her blue eyes alight with happiness "Come take a seat, dear, have a bowl of pea soup." She begins to ladle it before I can say that I'd rather serve myself. "Some lamb?" she offers and I quickly shake my head. So that's what the "meat" is.

I can tell that it's her pills talking. Without them, she's a train wreck called depression.

I take my usual seat next to Jasper, across from Rosalie. Neither says anything to me, but Jasper does throw me a tight smile and Rose glares as her knife absentmindedly saws the lamb.

We paint a strange picture. Carlisle sits at the head of the table, back ramrod srtaight. his pale fingers manage to make sawing the lamb so easy. Esme grins next to him. Childlike, though you can tell by the wrinkles at the corners of her eyes hat she is the oldest among us. Jasper sits across Esme, grinning right back at his mother in the way an older brother would to the antics of his younger sister. His twin, Rosalie, sits next to Esme. Her posture mimics Carlisle's, though her looks are deifinitely from Esme. Thick caramel hair, bright blue eyes that her brother also inherited. Pale creamy skin. She is ethereal.

And I sit across her. Skin unhealthily pale. Average brown hair, brown eyes, oval face, vacant expression. A set of damaged lungs. Sweat that stinks of ash.

I try to ignore her. I try to ignore everything about dinner, apart from Esme who is prone to throw fits over the slightest thing. I try to ignore the grating of knives and the tentative slurps of soup.

I try to ignore how I don't belong here.

I swallow a bland spoonful of watery pea soup. I regret being late. The food is terrible when I'm not there to help cook, and tonight is no exception. The pea soup lacks salt and looks to be devoid of peas. I can see the blood under the crusty surface of the meat. Mashed potatoes are bordering on green, and the carrots are floppy and might as well be mashed along with the potatoes.

But the Cullen's swallow their pride for my mistake, and wear grinning masks to appease the Queen Mother.

"So, darling," Esme begins "how was school today?"

I can hear the unasked question: _"Where were you, why were you late?"_

"It was fine. I hung out at Angela's house after school. There's a test coming up in Geometry and she needed help with getting the sine cosine tangent thing down."

Her milky eyes are questioning mine, and I look down into my bowl.

"Alice was there."

_Esme likes Alice, she trusts Alice. Everyone likes Alice. Pretend you're Alice, you're innocent._

She smiles brightly and makes a comment about me being a very responsible young lady or some shit.

My guts twist with guilt about how responsible I really am. I hate lying to Esme.

"Where were you really?" asks Rosalie, the only one who can see through my bullshit n this "family".

I don't answer.

Jasper breaks the silence. "Enough, Rose," he says.

Esme looks up slowly from her plate.

"You weren't at Angela's?" she says in a dangerously soft voice. I can practically hear the tears filling her eyes. "You- you lied to me?" they roll down her wrinkled sun beaten cheeks. She begins to sniff.

Carlisle stands up and moves to Esme's side.

"You shouldn't have lied to us, Isabella." His voice is stern, devoid of any emotion for his weeping wife. What he says only makes Esme's sobs turn into wails.

_You shouldn't have lied about us, Isabella._

The white tablecloth is bunched under my fists.

"But Dad," Jasper jumps in to my defense "It wasn't her fault!"

_It's your fault._

_Everything is your fault._

"It's okay Jasper," I say brightly. I turn to the rest of the family. "Esme, Carlisle, Rosalie, I apologize for lying and interrupting the evening. If no one minds, I think I'll excuse myself."

I don't know if anyone hears me over Esme's cries, but she nods. Carlisle ignores me. Rosalie purses her lips to hide a sneer.

Jasper looks at me with worry when I stand.

_Don't look at me like that._

I take my bowl of faintly green water to the sink and throw away its contents. I place it at the back of the empty dishwasher, and run up the stairs to my small bedroom.

I bury my face into the unfamiliar laundry soap and lumpy pillows, and deal with my beating heart the way I normally do; with sleep.

**xxx**

_"Hey Bells,"_

_"Hmmm?"_

_"Do you love me?"_

_I laughed "Of course I love you, Jake."_

_He threads his fingers into my hair and pulls my face to his chest so I could hear his heart beating. It's even and steady._

_"I love you too, Bells."_

_Thud thud, thud thud, thud thud…_

_Even and powerful... Sure and steady…_

**xxx**

That morning at breakfast, I eat cereal. Rice Crispies. There was no milk in the fridge. The grains turn to dust in my mouth. It tastes like how imagine the Sahara Desert to taste like.

It's quiet apart from my chewing and Rosalie's heeled feet moving about the kitchen. Jasper has already left for track practice, and Carlisle has already left for the hospital.

Esme sits across me and is unbearably quiet over her slightly burnt toast. I can tell she wants to something by the way she picks nonexistent lint from the table cloth.

Rose comes in and sits next to Esme. Rose has taken special care of her hair today, curling it so it falls in waves down her back.

Esme only stops fidgeting when Rose breaks the silence.

"Hey mom, do you think I can invite the Kings over next week? Royce has been telling me that he wants to see you again, and Mr. King is quite eager to meet you. Oh, and Royce's brother Edward will be back from his internship in Chicago, so it will be a good time for the rest of the family to meet him too." Rose is smiling.

_No._

At once Esme's mily eyes light up "Of course we can have them over! How about next Friday at 6:10?"

_That bitch, how could she! That's just too low. She __**knows**__ I hate her boyfriend!_

Rosalie's smile becomes a grin. "That sounds perfect, Mom, I'll tell Royce today in school."

_Fuck._

Esme stands up and returns with a familiar red book, the cheap planner I bought her last Christmas.

She starts flipping to September. She sees an entry for that day and her eyes bulge.

"Oh, perfect!" she exclaims "Bella, next Friday is September 13! It's going to be your birthday! You're turning 17 at long last! And the _whole_ family will be there!" she turns to Rosalie, "Oh Rose, you sly thing, you are a _genius_!"

I notice that the table cloth is clenched in my fists again.

Rosalie grins triumphantly at me over her bowl of fruit and yogurt. My stomach turns sour. I'm no longer hungry.

I smile for Esme, ditch my cereal and drive to school in a drizzle.

I floor the gas and my truck struggles towards school at 57 mph. A record.

**AN:**

**congratz on making it to the end, I hope you enjoyed it :)**


	3. Carbonara, Tears and a Dress

**AN:**

**Hey guys! so, part of this chapter is rushed because i just found out that I will be leaving today for a place that may or ma not have WIFI. I hope you guys enjoy this either way. :)**

**By the way, thanks to those that favorited, followed, and put me on author alert :)**

**and to Skitzo Potato - thanks for leaving my first ever review, it means a lot. :) Oh, and Emmett will show up later in the story, but he wont play such a big role.**

**Disclaimer: everything recognizable isn't mine and belongs to appropriate people/companies/wherever they came from**

**September 2013**

**Carbonara, Tears, and a Dress**

The week passes quickly, too quickly.

The stupid smirks that have the misfortune of appearing on Newton's face as he trips me in the halls don't seem to hit me. Even the laughter of Lauren and this new girl, Jessica, when they shove past me on the way to class aren't as piercing as usual. Banner's sneer accompanied by sickening renditions of "Ms. Cullen" do not mean as much as they did. Everything blends into mere hours of color and white noise.

Today, I wake up.

And for the first time in my life, I am 17.

I wasn't expecting much, but honestly, it's disappointing. Outside, it is already raining.

Water hits the roof with dull thuds. Like a thousand rubber balls hitting the floor.

When I come down for breakfast, only Esme is there. She sits in Carlisle's seat at the head of the table in a ratty faded pink bathrobe. She looks up as I come down the stairs and stands.

"Happy birthday, darling," she says as if tipsy, her voice lilts and her form tilts over slightly. Her eyes are red. "Come and give mommy a hug."

I do, and my hands are sweaty.

She smells artificial; of medicine and antiseptic. She smells like a hospital, like a manufactured machine. She doesn't smell like mom.

We rock from side to side like this and she starts sinning the birthday song in my ear.

"Happy birthday my darling, happy birthday to you!"

I am not happy.

I can't remember the last time I was truly happy.

**xxx**

_Leah hit the back of my head._

_"Happy 15__th__ girl!" she shouted in my ear._

_This was the year I met Leah, a girl I thought I would never be friends with; a girl the same age as Rosalie, a girl four years my senior._

_And yet, Leah was unlike Rosalie in so many ways._

_Leah had short hair. She cussed. And smoked. And wore lose clothes. And she didn't seem to care that I messed things up. Or that I wasn't happy like the other girls. She seemed to like it._

_"So, what's happening tonight? You got something planned?" she asked._

_I smiled timidly. "Just going down to La Push, you know."_

_"Great. Are we taking Angie?"_

_My heartbeat spikes with guilt._

_"Uh, actually…" My head was whirring with what ifs. What if she hates me for this? She's going to leave me alone again! I can't say it._

_She shot me a calculating look. "So, you don't want Angie there, huh"_

_I could practically see her dissecting my 'Um, actually…'_

_"It's not that." I said quickly. "I just, like to be…"_

_"Alone? On your birthday? Sure, I can handle that, course it doesn't matter to me what you do on your birthdays…"_

_She turned around. "Fuck," she muttered under her breath. _

_She started to walk away._

_Shit. No. Please. No._

_"Leah!" I shouted after her. "Today's the day that I…" my voice grew thick and failed me. "My parents…today is the day I lost them!"_

_She turned. She smiled, and something inside me just clicked. It felt right._

_"Well, why the fuck didn't you just say so?" she shouts right back._

_With her words, the tension in my muscles loosened, and suddenly felt like laughing so I did. Leah came over and picked me up when I fell to the ground. Suddenly, I was crying in her arms, and I couldn't stop. I couldn't believe how hard it was to say something so easy._

**x**xx

There are biscuits baking in the oven, and the air smells of butter and steam from a boiling pot. And blood from the bag of meat in my hands.

I'm making Carbonara for dinner. With the help of Esme who is too preoccupied by the mixing of the cheese and egg sauce to notice the boiling pot. I leave my meat and knife on a chopping board to turn down the heat and throw in the pasta with some salt, and when I get back to my job of cutting up the pancetta, I find that Esme has somehow mixed the sauce into cement. _Typical Esme._ I come to its rescue.

Though I loathe having her hold the knife, I tell her we should switch, and she complies with a smile. She begins a new job, and I finish her old job.

I face the problem in the bowl.

_I don't know what to do with this, I can't throw it away or she'll cry again. It needs liquid. Um, milk._

I retrieve it from the fridge and pour a small amount in.

_Shit, it's too watery now. Need something to thicken it. What thickens liquids? Uh…flour! I'll add flour._

I look to where I left it: by the sink. It's gone.

"Mom, where'd you put the flour from the biscuits?"

She lifts her eyes from the red stained knife. "In the cabinet behind you, darling."

I check.

_Vanilla_

_Marjoram_

_Thyme_

_Rice_

_Farrow_

_Cinnamon_

_Baking soda_

_Seaweed_

_Pasta_

_Where's the flour?_

_Why am I looking for the flour? _

I turn back to my workspace, and my elbow knocks over the bowl. It tips over, rolls, and falls on the ground. White sauce spills all over the counters. It drips to the floor.

_Shit._

Esme turns around at the sound of the bowl hitting the floor and the smile she has on her face melts off like candle wax. I can see that she's trying to keep it together, trying to keep the smile on her face. The knife falls from her bloody hands. She starts moaning.

_Shit, what am I meant to do. _

Esme's about to cry. I can hear Carlisle thundering down the stairs.

_I can't think straight._

"Isabella, what have you done this time!" He's furious. Esme is clutching her head and rocking back and forth like a rocking horse. Her fingers trace blood across her face and in her hair. Some mix with her rapidly falling tears.

Carlisle goes to hold her still, but she fights him off. Her hands leave red smears on his white jacket. His mask is breaking. I can see the old Carlisle waking up. I can see in his eyes after all these years just how much he hates me. I have ruined everything. All he wanted were for things to be perfect, but they are not.

_Because of you._

_Shut up! I can't deal with this right now!_

Still, I can feel tears welling in my eyes. Above all things, I must not cry. He can't know how much I hate this.

"I'm sorry," I murmur. My voice is tight from holding in the emotions. "I'll fix it." I'm avoiding his eyes. Instead, I watch the slow spreading of white sauce on dirty linoleum.

"You had better." is all he says before he takes a weeping Esme up to their room. As he passes the bathroom under the stairs, he retrieves a bottle from the medicine cabinet. Esme's happy pills.

I wish I had my own happy pills.

_One pill down the throat and everything grows numb._

I turn and survey the kitchen. The sauce is all over the floor. The pasta looks like it over boiled, and the biscuits look to be slightly on the brown side. The only thing that is perfect, ironically, is what I made Esme in charge of. The pancetta.

Esme the broken one did her job perfectly, while I messed everything up.

In a way this is typical Esme, and typical me.

When Esme does wrong, there is always someone to save her and tell her that it is not her fault. When I do something wrong, I fall and fall and fall.

A tear tracks down my cheek, and I quickly wipe it away. I can't afford to cry. I find a rag to wipe up the sauce.

_Why can't anyone see how hard I've been trying? 12 years of trying and this is how far I get? I'm pathetic._

_I'm pathetic and I have to clean the kitchen._

I check the time on the wall clock.

5:30

**xxx**

I manage to save the biscuits and make a new batch of pasta and sauce. I toss everything around with care, trying to make it perfect, and it very nearly is.

Halfway through my making, Jasper comes home from track and decides to help with making desert after cleaning up.

Then Rosalie comes home and offers to do nothing. She does give me a bit of advice though.

"Try to look like you actually want to be here."

Then at 6:00, the doorbell rings, and it is Carlisle who opens the door with a well made fake smile, and a firm handshake. I notice that he is wearing a different jacket.

Rosalie comes down in a dark colored dress to greet her boyfriend with a kiss.

Jasper and I have just finished the strawberry shortcake, and we put the dainty little cakes in the fridge.

Jasper distracts them while I run up to my room to change.

I survey my closet.

Everything is at least a year old and ragged.

_Shit. So I save dinner, but can't attend it due to clothing problems. Is this some twisted Cinderella story?_

I pull out my only skirt and push shirts around to see what will work.

I hear a knock at my door. When I open it, I am shocked. It is Esme on the other side. Her eyes are slightly red, and so is her nose, but she's smiling.

She takes me by surprise and pulls me into a hug. She is warm and her arms are strong. I feel like I'm five again, in the arms of a strange woman who reminds me of mommy.

She smells of lavender, her choice of perfume. She smells of broken dreams and happiness and tears and rain. I wonder idly what my real mother smelt like.

Did she smell of sunshine and laughter, or strong winds and fire?

Esme releases a breath into my hair. I wonder what I smell like.

"Happy birthday Bella," she whispers "I know you didn't want to be here today, so thank you for making me happy. For always continuously making me happy even when I'm not there for you." She pulls back and smiles at me. The words fill me with warmth. The heat spreads from somewhere in my chest and settles in my belly like hot soup.

Her eyes are clearer than they have been in years. Something tells me that she didn't take her happy pills, and that this is just her fighting the sadness inside.

It surprises me how happy this makes me.

She gives me something, a cloth I didn't notice her carrying.

"Your present." she says. "I thought you would need it for tonight."

She leaves, and I look at what she has gotten me. It's a dress. Blue like the sky just past midnight. I wear it, and it fits, but not perfectly. My breasts are slightly too small, but I don't really care as it isn't very noticeable. It has a wide curving neckline that shows off my collarbones and nothing else. The dress hits my knees and I notice that I haven't shaved my legs in a while.

I check the time.

6:07

Three minutes.

I think of the jibe Rosalie will make.

I think of Carlisle trying to be civil over dinner.

_Screw my hairy legs._

I walk downstairs hoping nobody notices.

Rosalie's advice lingers.

"Try to look like you actually want to be here."

Heaviness falls onto my shoulders. The task ahead is simply daunting.

**xxx**

**AN:**

**thanks for reading! will you give me feedback?**

**I was wondering about whether i should rehash the first chapter, as I rushed it and don't think it is exactly prologue materal...**


	4. Shoes, Eyes, and Wishes

**AN:**

**Firstlt: Thanks for the review, faves, follows and alerts!**

**Secondly: I'd like to appologize for not updating last week, as this was strangely hard to write. And I was busy as I am cramming an entire year of Spanish 2 into a month. I have 112 vocabulary words to memorize today. I'm a bit mental aren't I?**

**Thirdly: I've updated the fist chapter slightly. I said that it happened in January 2013, but I've changed it to September. So far, thats the only change.**

_Disclaimer: all recognizable characters belong to appropriate owners, the rest is from yours truly_

**and now without further ado, I present to you...**

**September 2013**

**Shoes, Eyes, and Wishes**

I hear laughter coming from the living room, so I make my way there.

When I enter, the Kings and the Cullens are already seated.

I notice Jasper first; a cup of juice in his hands. He's the loudest laugher. His sunkissed face is made smooth in the yellow light of Esme's cheap chandelier.

He's not the only one. Everyone has smiles on their faces, everyone is beautiful. Everything is perfect. Faces are illuminated and rounded as imperfections shadowed.

Rosalie is the most beautiful among them. Royce has an arm wrapped around her. Her head is resting on his shoulder, and her hair is like waves tumbling down her back. She's smiling, her eyes twinkling. It's her happy, satisfied smile. It's the smile she wears when she wins something from me.

Royce is wearing his own version of the smile. Lips parted like a predator, dark blond hair falling into his dark eyes. His fingers are woven into her hair. He watches her like a beast watches his next meal.

I shiver.

Esme sits next to them, gazing at Rosalie's face, smiling softly. She's dressed up in pale purples and light fabric. She looks as if she dressed herself in flower petals. A fairy. She's like Titania, already poisoned with a love potion.

Carlisle, who sits across her, is her opposite. His back is stiff, he dressed in white. His pale hair, pale skin, and pale lips are in contrast to the glass of red wine in his pale hand.

Next to him is a man in dark colors. His hair is a dark blonde, unsure of the color it wants to be. Long, wavy, and styled. His figure is large with wide shoulders. He has high cheekbones, firm chin, a perfectly straight nose, and such deep, deep dangerous grey eyes.

When I enter, his gaze shifts to me. His eyes meet mine. I'm a deer in the headlights. Time hangs suspended as if by a thread.

I think of the storm clouds that hang over Forks. I think of cold rain when you forget your jacket. I think of the sea by Elder's Cliff during the storms; wild, uncontrollable, a vortex of cold darkness.

"Bella, happy birthday!"

The thread breaks.

I am pulled into a hug. Panic shocks me as arms wrap around mine. Vanilla perfume fills my nose. I can't breathe, and yet relief floods through me.

_I didn't think I'd ever be this happy to have the bastard touch me._

"Royce, thanks." I mumble and try to slowly wriggle free. Then a heavy hand is in my hair, pressing my face into his chest so I am smothered by deep grey of his suit.

_Let me go_

Jasper shouts something from behind me. The hand lifts, and my vision is a blur of color as a pair of strong arms wrap around me. I am hoisted into the air.

"Jasper, put me down!" I squeak in surprise.

He laughs and swings me around. For a moment, I'm thirteen again, flying through the air. Then my feet touch the ground.

My bare feet.

_Shit. Where are my shoes? _

_You're such a genius, really. You are majorly screwed. What kind of idiot forgets to wear shoes?_

My face colors. It's too hot and stuffy in the living room. My vision swims slightly.

"Looks like Cinder Bella forgot to wear her shoes today." Rosalie smirks.

Royce laughs raucously, and Jasper joins him tentatively. The sound is numbing. My back is held against his chest. The vibrations travel across my flushed skin. I can feel Carlisle's glare from his seat at the edge of the sofa.

My eyes drop to my naked toes; pale ugly appendages with chipped blue nail polish. I curl them into the dark wooden floors

_Why am I such an idiot?_

A pair of feet steps into my vision. They are bare.

_Esme's feet._

I look up.

"Happy birthday, Bella." She says with a smile and pulls me into another hug. I melt into her and hide my face, silently thanking her for saving me. She lets me go all too soon.

"Bella," she begins, "I don't think you've ever met Mr. King and his son Edward."

The man with grey eyes stands and offers me a hand, and I take it with a moment of hesitation. His hand engulfs mine. My palms start to sweat. I notice that I barely reach his shoulder, and he is not as muscled as I first thought him to be.

_Please don't let him notice._

"Happy birthday, Isabella." When I look up, he's smiling, but his smile doesn't reach his eyes. I avoid them.

"Thank you, sir." I force out. I drop my hand to the side.

"And this," he moves aside "is my son Edward, Royce's older brother."

"Happy birthday Ms. Cullen, Royce and Rosalie have told me many things about you."

_what kinds of things?_

I take a breath and look up.

He's smiling, but like his father, it doesn't reach his eyes. They are devoid of emotion. They are a beautiful color though, a pale green like new leaves held up to the sun. His hair is neither brown nor red. Unsure of its color, it is also alike his father's in that respect.

He looks like Mr. King. Has the same cheekbones, but with a stronger jaw. They have the same build, the same tallness that fills a room.

"Thanks," I mumble "but just Bella is fine."

He nods slightly, "Very well then, Bella".

"Everybody!" Esme calls, "it's dinner time!"

We move into the dining room, and I take my seat. Mr. King sits across Esme, and next to Jasper. Jasper sits across Rose and next to Edward. Royce sits next to Rose.

I sit at the head of the table, isolated on both sides by the King boys, and on the front by Carlisle.

**xxx**

Dinner goes by in a blur. I say nothing and smile, so no one seems to mind.

Jasper's attention is on Royce who is talking about the business classes he plans to take in college. Esme is absorbed by Mr. King and climate change.

Edward exchanges sarcastic remarks with Rosalie. That makes me genuinely smile slightly.

When dinner is finally over, I am so worn with the smiling that my face feels numb.

Then the lights are dimmed and Esme brings out the cake. Dark chocolate with the words "_Happy Birthday Bella!_" written across it in white sugar.

Carlisle lights the seventeen candles. Jasper starts the singing and everyone joins in off tune.

_"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!"_

Esme points the camera at my face. I don't know if I'm smiling or not.

_"Happy birthday dear Bella, happy birthday to you!"_

"Make a wish!" Japer shouts right before I blow out the candles.

_I wish that I belonged here._

The seventeen flames go out, and my nostrils are filled with smoke. This does nothing to calm me. It smells of carbon and burning paper.

Carlisle turns the lights back on, and Esme comes over to how me the photos.

I see a girl with a pained smile on her face. Her cheeks are tinged pink with embarrassment.

The next pictures show her surrounded by happy faces.

But she isn't me. I feel empty. Deflated. Because it is true, I don't belong here. Twelve years, and I still am not a Cullen.

Twelve years of trying, and I still don't belong.

**xxx**

It's night now. I've washed the dishes, put away the extra food. I've seen the guests out the door and listened to Carlisle's lecture about proper dressing habits and table etiquette.

I've put away my presents. Books, most of them.

From Esme and Carlisle, though more likely from the former than the latter, I received _The Cider House Rules_ by John Irving. Jasper gave me book of Greek myths. Rosalie gave me shirt from Target. The Kings gave me a notebook.

There are owls on the cover. The pages are unlined. Completely ordinary and impersonal.

There is a dedication at the bottom of the first page written in an elegant script that I can barely decipher.

_Happy Birthday Bella! Have a good one!_

_-Edward Sr., Edward Jr., and Royce King_

At the very back, I find written in a different and harsher script with a blue ballpoint pen:

_"Life takes us to unexpected places sometimes. The future is never set in stone, remember that." _

_-Erin Morgenstern, The Night Circus_

I can't sleep tonight. I can't shake off Royce's hand in my hair, or my bare feet. Or insincere smiles and Mr. Kings eyes.

Even now all alone in my room, I can't shake off the feeling of being watched.

I turn in my bed and pull he blankets further up, ove my head.

I release a shaky breath.

_The future is never set in stone, remember that._

_Perhaps It's never set in stone, but the past definitely is._

_The past never goes away._

**AN:**

**Congratz on reaching the end!**

**No, really, I know how hard it is to read this chapter.**

**Especially the meeting Edward part.**

**I know and hate how short this chapter is and how it is written. I think this is the worst so far.**

**This Bella is kinda pathetic, isn't she?**

**Will you give me feedback? I'd really love some since I'm not really sure how well this is going over with you guys, or how I can improve.**


	5. Doing Good

**AN:**

**So, I got a stellar review from a guest, and it really was helpful. I've fixed the Cullen/King switch, and made this chapter longer. I didn't get to update faster though. Sorry. Plus school will be starting next week, and I'll be really busy trying to keep my grades up. I'm not abandoning this though, I hate not seeing things to the end.**

**IMPORTANT: if you have been reading this before the date of 8/29/2013, you should probably know that I added a small portion to the end of the previous chapter. Guest, whoever you are, did I do good?**

**Sorry for being messy and having obnoxiously long ANs.**

**Thanks for reviews****, faves, follows and alerts!**

_Disclaimer: all recognizable characters belong to appropriate owners, the rest is from yours truly_

**October 2013**

**Doing Good**

It's October, mid October to be precise. It's colder, and the leaves on the trees have turned some form of red.

Its Thursday after school and Leah is smoking and bragging about her new secret boyfriend as I drive us down to Elder's Cliff to watch Seth's jump. Seth is her younger brother, a year younger than I am.

She's talking to distract herself. I can tell because I'm blasting Radiohead on my crappy stereo, and she hasn't turned it off yet.

"He's like the best thing in the world." She shouts over _A Wolf at the Door_, "He's always there when I need him, and he even gives me enough space, I mean, shit! Even Sam didn't do that for me!" she takes a long drag from her cigarette. Sam was guy she was dating when I first met her.

_Well, doesn't he sound just wonderful._

I stop to pick up Angela by her dads church, outskirts of Forks. She looks out of place against the white backdrop with her black clothes and the silver nose ring.

She smiles as she jumps in the seat behind mine and gives me a kiss on the cheek and Leah gets a one armed hug from behind.

"Shit, I love this song!" she shouts over Thom Yorke's voice. She immediately starts singing along.

"_I keep the wolf from the door  
But he calls me up  
Calls me on the phone  
Tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up  
Steal all my children  
If I don't pay the rent"_

"Randsom" I interject, and she ignores me.

_"But I'll never see them again  
If I squeal to the cops  
No no no no no no no:"_

Leah shoots an annoyed look at her through the rearview mirror and I expect her to change the music to something by Lady Gaga, but she surprises me by simply throwing her old filter out the open window, and lighting her second cigarette of the day.

I stop to pick up Alice, the one who lives closest to the Rez, miles from Forks. She wears a white dress, and her lips are red. When she steps into my truck, her floral perfume permeates the smell of Leah's cigarette.

Leah and I are dressed similar to them. Something nice, or rather, something that qualifies as nicer that our normal ratty clothes. Watching someone jump is like watching someone being born. Or like someone get married. Or like watching someone die. It's a ceremony.

**xxx**

It takes us nearly an hour, but we finally reach our destination. I park, and the four of us walk down to the beach. It is windy, blowing in from sea and whipping my long brown hair out of my face. It feels cold, and dry. It tastes salty.

It's a good day to jump. I don't smell rain in the air, just sunshine. Strange for an October in Forks.

Then I see it. Elder's Cliff rising against the sand sloping downwards towards the water. It fights gravity up till it is well into the water, and then there is a violent drop both above land and below sea. It is made of grey slate. It looks like a giant crooked nose rising from the beach. I sometimes wonder how such structures are made, and then I realize that I would have fallen asleep halfway through the explanation.

When we find a place to sit, a few largish rocks near the base of the Cliff, Leah is still prattling on.

"And he has these dazzling eyes, and they really look at you, you know? They're like, so fucking awesome."

I tune her out.

I hear Seth's laugh before I see him. It is nothing like his sister's husky thunder, but light and boyish.

I turn to look behind us, and I see him, the shortest and thinnest of the group. The fastest among the burly men that surround him, just like his sister. I stand and wave and he spots us. He waves back.

"Good luck!" I shout, and a cruel joke comes to mind, but I don't say it. The phrase 'break a leg' isn't particularly tactical at the moment.

Leah stands and screams from next to me "Go break a leg, you bastard!" then after a pause, "You better do good!"

Seth gives her the thumbs up and shouts something back, but it's carried away by the wind.

Angela also shouts her well wishes, but I can tell that it's what Alice says that he will carry with him as he jumps off the edge. He's stalling, lagging behind in the group to hear what she has to say.

"Be careful!" she screeches.

I give her a pained look. My right ear is now deaf. I want to tease her about her concern, and then I see that the lipstick she reapplied in the car is ruined from her teeth worrying her lip. The front of her dress is wrinkled. I put my arm around her instead. I am instantly engulfed in the scent of flowers and nervous sweat.

"It all depends on how strong your legs are, and how far you can propel yourself into the water." I tell her. The words bring back the bitter taste of nostalgia. "Seth is a runner, his legs are strong. He'll make it out in one piece."

What I tell her works slightly after she takes a few calming breaths.

It occurs to me that I should probably be comforting Leah and not Alice, but when I look over to her, she seems to be holding herself together pretty well. Then again, you never can really tell with Leah.

Angela has an arm around her.

Leah takes in a rattling breath and lights her third cigarette of the day, or tries to. The wind keeps blowing the lighter out when she flicks it.

_Flick…flick…flick…_

"Fuck this shit!" she finally exclaims and throws the lighter onto the sand. She sits back down with a "humph".

Angela smiles softly at her and picks up the lighter. She somehow manages to light Leah's cigarette for her, and Leah shows us one of her rare smiles. Angela lights another cig and passes it to me after taking a long drag herself. The smoke we blow out is immediately stolen from our lips so we barely see it. I feel the nervousness melt away.

I offer the cig to Alice, even if she doesn't smoke. Just in case. She looks like she needs it.

She takes it after a moment of consideration, and my eyes bug out. The Alice I know would _never _smoke, for anything. Leah's brother must really have an effect on the girl.

"Holy shit," I say aloud. "After all those times of shooting down Leah, you decide to give in to smoking because of Seth? Holy shit, I knew you liked him!"

She shoots me a dirty look. "I do not!" she cries "I'm just really worried. I just hate heights, you know?"

I snort. "Yeah, right."

"Think what you want." She scowls and brings the cigarette to her lips.

"Ali, maybe you shouldn't-" Angela interjects too late.

Alice takes in about a mouthful of smoke before she starts coughing and shoves the thing back at me. Angela is there patting her back.

"God, that shit is terrible!"

I'm stunned again.

"You cussed. Miss Alice Brandon just cussed. I don't believe it, today must be a day of miracles."

She gives me another scowl. "Just shut it, Seth's about to jump."

I look up and I see he is. His silhouette is all bones and angles.

He moves back several steps, begins to run, then leaps off the edge.

I expect him to hang suspended for a moment as I was, and am mildly surprised to see him fall down, down, down.

My heart jumps up to my throat at the same speed as Seth's descent.

There is something beautiful in the way he falls; back first, facing the sky. His body is like a puppet's; his strings are the wind, and the elements are his master. He seems so lifeless, so empty, and so doll-like; so fragile and human.

It's horrifying, but I can't look away.

Then at the very last minute, he twists. His mind commands his body, and he hits the water like an arrow, gracefully slicing the surface.

It is only then that I hear my heart pounding.

Then his head breaks the surface of the water.

In my arms, Alice exhales loudly and relaxes against me. My heart returns to its place.

He walks out of the water seemingly unaffected by the wind. His hair is the dark color of wet sand. The smile on his face in priceless.

He reaches us.

"Did I do good?" He asks Leah, and she smiles back at him and pulls him into a hug.

"You did good."

_Why don't people do that for me?_

_Why can't I be like Seth, being able to do good? _

Alice launches herself from my arms and smothers Seth in one of her infamous bone crushing hugs. She lets him go quickly.

Seth gives Alice a small bashful smile and turns slightly pink.

He's so obvious it's cute.

I fist bump him and Angela pats him on the back.

I elbow Alice when Seth goes off to celebrate with his friends.

"He likes you!" I tease

She smiles painfully in my direction.

"Bella, you know I don't like him that way!" She whines.

"At least not yet." Leah threatens "Break his heart and I'll break your face, Brandon."

Alice turns a little redder and Angela laughs at us.

I am busy tickling Alice when one of Seth's friends comes up to us. Tall and dark skinned. Short hair. Em-something. Emery? Emily? I think Jacob introduced us once.

"Hey Leah," he gets the attention of the laughing blonde. "There's a party going on later at Sam's place. For Seth, I mean. I really think you should go."

The smile immediately slips off her face.

**xxx**

"_I mean what the fuck Lee Lee!" Sam shouted through the phone. "You can't just blow me off for some freshman."_

"_It's not just some freshman, Sam. It's Bella."_

_I cringed as she said my name._

"_Of course it's Bella, it's always Bella." His voice dropped in pitch. "Bella, Bella, Bella. You know what Leah, if you don't even have the decency to remember you have a boyfriend, maybe we should just end this."_

"_Sam," Leah said with a sigh. "I don't need this right now."_

"_No, Leah, I've had enough of this."_

_The phone line went dead._

_Leah sucked in a ragged breath._

_My heart beat unsteadily. _

"_You didn't have to do that," I whispered. I sniffed and wiped the tears from my cheeks._

_She pushed her phone into her pocket and crouched on front of me. "It doesn't matter." She told me. "This is more important. Besides, he'll come around."_

_She's lying. More tears clouded my vision. I hid my face in my hands. Warm arms wrapped around me._

"_Don't worry," she whispered, "It wasn't your fault."_

_Yes it was._

_Why did I have to be so weak, so mindless? Why did I have to get drunk? Why? Why did I have to be the one left naked in the alleyway?_

_My sobbing gets louder._

"_Hush, girl," Leah murmurs into my ear. "Don't let them know how much you're hurting."_

**xxx**

"Well Sam can go fuck himself!" Leah shouts before stomping away in the direction of my car. Em-something watches her go with sad eyes. He turns to me.

"The invitation is extended to you guys." He says before walking away.

Alice looks at me, her eyes as piercing as ever. "I think we should go."

I disagree, but say yes anyway.

Angela snakes her arms around me. "I have something to do tonight." She says. "Maybe some other time." Alice pouts and starts trying to convince Angela to go.

I won't go; I'll make up some excuse. I won't betray Leah like that.

**AN: Congratz on making it to the end! Did you like/dislike this? Constructive criticism much appreciated! It makes me happy. **


	6. Shattered Legs and Dreams

**AN: Sorry! this chapter is WAAAAY overdue, but school started. On the bright side, this was 9 pages and a quarter, so its extra long. Sort of. I wrote most of it in one sitting so as of now, it is really rough. I'll probably come back and edit it when I have more time.**

**I will also try to work on writing about emotions. **

**This is the chapter in which we learn a bit about Jacob/Jasper/Mike and the main plot/subplots start taking off. Sort of.**

**Oh, and this only part one of the night.**

**Thanks for reviews, faves, follows and alerts! :D especially Katy, you made me grin so wide that my mother started asking if I was okay.**

**_Disclaimer: all recognizable characters belong to appropriate owners, the rest is from yours truly_**

**October 2013**

**Of Shattered Legs and Dreams**

**_(Alternative Title: Well, That Escalated Quickly)_**

"So I asked Coach C if she knew about any scholarships for students who did track."

"Did you now?" Carlisle replies with a touch of surprise.

Jasper shoves a fork full of steak into his mouth before reaching into his back pocket. He hands the tightly folded paper over.

Carlisle releases his own fork and looks over the creased sheet.

A furrow appears between his eyebrows. "This is great, son. A little early though, isn't it?"

"It's never too early for scholarship searching Dad, the article I read said that I had to start searching since freshman year!"

"You don't have to do that. When you get to college, I will be taking care of all your expenses."

The corners of Jasper's lips drop.

"I know, I just wanted to be helpful, I guess."

Carlisle picks up his fork and resumes eating.

The table grows quiet.

I don't understand why Japer can be like this.

Among us all, Jasper is the luckiest. If this family had a yearbook, Jasper would be voted the most talented or the one most likely to succeed. And he will despite his accident sixth years ago.

**xxx**

_I was almost twelve when I entered sixth grade._

_The freedom of summer combined with the energy of a clingy preteen had me tripping over things in the house and bringing down plant vases on top of myself. _

_That year, I rode with Carlisle on the way to work and got off at Fork Middle School, a nondescript brick building that housed the "Warriors"._

_ I would sit in the back seat between Jasper and Rosalie. _

_The twins were fifteen then. High school freshmen, high school freshmen who didn't want to associate with us sixth graders._

_Carlisle would drop me off and I would watch as Carlisle's black Mercedes would drive down he street without me._

_Even though it was the first day of school, Carlisle didn't walk me in; he had to take care of Jasper and Rosalie first._

_The message was clear to me even at that age: they didn't want me there._

_Except maybe Jasper who was not as mean as Rose._

_Forks Middle School was where I met Mike Newton. He laughed when I tripped walking to class. He teased when I received my first love letter, and told on me for punching him when I figured out that he had been the sender of the letters._

_ Forks Middle School was where I met Angela, the quiet daughter of the Pastor Weber. Then her hair was the color and texture of wheat, messily braided in two long tails down her back. She would dye it black the year later._

_It was in the middle of seventh grade that I met Jacob Black. _

_I found him crouched by the back entrance which I used more often than the front to avoid my classmates._

_He was short and skinny, his eyes round and red from crying. His cheeks and the front of his shirt were stained with snot and tears. I was late. He was lost. _

_He heard the muffled sound of my untied shoes on cement as I approached him._

_He looked up at me with his wide golden eyes._

_I stared at him._

_"I'm not crying." He told me, though he said more as if to assure himself of the fact. He sobbed once and wiped his tears away with the back of my hand._

_I knew how he felt._

_"Where do you need to go?" I asked him._

_"To Ms. Han, Handu, Handu something."_

_"Do you mean Ms. Handugan? I can bring you there, it's on my way."_

_It wasn't._

_That lunch, Mike found him._

_That lunch, Mike teased him for crying._

_That lunch I slapped Mike._

_That lunch, Mike cried._

_That lunch, Mike and I were told to stay after school, and I smiled wider than I had in a long time._

_Carlisle was called, and the black Mercedes did not drive past school. Mike and I put the library books in order._

_When we got out, the sun was setting, and the nondescript brick building was doused in color and shadows from the trees. Jasper was waiting by the gate._

_Carlisle's black Mercedes was idling a block down and across the street. I saw Jasper walked up to me. Smiled at me and pulled me into a hug._

_"I'm proud of you." he whispered into my ear. siren_

_He, Mike, and I walked towards the car, and stood waiting for the lights to change at the intersection._

_I remember clearly Jasper's phone ringing, and him answering it. Specifically that he turned away from the street to answer it. I remember clearly Mike glaring at me and the sudden push that sent me over the sidewalk. I remember my shriek, my feet unable to balance my body. I remember hearing the hink of a horn, the screech of tire on asphlt. I remember the Jasper shouting and a feeling of being swung up into the air; my shoes flying off my feet. And so much blood. Too much blood. Jasper's blood. Carlisle shouting, car doors slam. Sirens and flashing lights._

_Everything was about Jasper that night._

_Mike told everybody that I had stepped onto the street on my own, and there was no one but me to contradict him._

_I never really got to see Jasper for two years after that. He was confined to his hospital bed. His ribs cracked, skull cracked, in a coma. And his beautiful legs were shattered. _

**xxx**

"Pass me that salt, Bella?"

I jump slightly and pass the salt to Rosalie.

She smirks at my reaction.

In my pocket, my phone vibrates.

As stealthily as I can, I slip in out and hide it under the table. I glance down to read the message.

It's Alice.

**_I'll pass for you around 8:30?_**

My left thumb moves across the fading keys of my phone under the table. I find the letters my touch.

**_Sorry Al, I don't think I should go. It's Thursday, and I haven't done Banner's essay yet._**

My eyes are fixed on my plate. My fork and moves sluggishly in a halfhearted attempt to make the steak look eaten.

My thumb sends the text.

Within seconds it vibrates in my palm. I sneak a peek at the message.

**_YOU PROMISED ME BELLA!_**

Another quickly follows.

**_Since when did you care about Banner?_**

Then:

**_I'll pick you up at 8:30. Be ready._**

I resist the urge to roll my eyes at her text.

"Trying to get out of going to Sam's?"

Rosalie's question startles me and my fork clatters against my plate.

Esme glances at me. "Are you alright Bella?" she asks softly. "Who's Sam? A boy you like?" A sly grin creeps across her face.

Rosalie only rolls my eyes.

"Sam isn't in Bella's league, Mom; he's already graduated high school. My year."

Esme's lips form an O and her eyes widen.

Carlisle posture stiffens. He looks up from his plate.

"You aren't going, Isabella."

_Not that I wanted to._

Esme leans forward in her chair and places a wrinkled hand on Carlisle's arm. "But why not, Darling?"

Carlisle places his hand on hers. "I just don't want Isabella to ruin herself so early in life."

_Yeah, and don't forget the pride and image of the Cullen family._

Esme brushes him off. "Oh don't be silly, Bella has a good head on her shoulders." She turns to me. "So, where did you meet him? Were you with him this morning?" She winks conspiratorially.

I cringe at hat. "Nope, I was with Alice and Angela today."

"And Leah, no doubt." Rosalie interjects.

Carlisle's blue eyes fixate upon me. I shrink in my seat.

"I thought I told you to stop hanging around her, Isabella."

My throat has grown small. "I wasn't –"

"Don't lie to me Isabella." He cuts me off. "There's nothing I hate more than a liar."

Jasper sighs over his steak. "Lighten up a little, won't you dad?"

Carlisle's cold eyes meet Jasper's warm blue. "What you do not realize, Jasper, is how by letting someone of such trash into our home, we are inviting only trouble." He snaps.

Jasper drops his fork and abruptly stands. His blond hair is in his eyes.

"I was about to tell you guys that I met a girl. Maria. She works in Walmart, and I wanted to bring her over for dinner so she could meet you. I hoped that you would accept her, dad, but it's now obvious to me that you can't."

He brings his plate to the sink, and I hear the clatter as he sets it down. When he climbs the stairs, it echoes hollowly against the walls.

Esme's mask slips off her face. Her head falls into her hands. When Carlisle tries to touch her, she shrinks away.

This doesn't faze him. "Help me Rosalie." He commands.

They coax Esme into the living room, and I carry the remains of our meal into the kitchen.

Rosalie enters and leans against the doorway.

"So, are you?" she asks.

I feign ignorance. "Am I what?"

"Don't be cocky with me. Sam's. You going?"

"Maybe."

"I think you should." She told me. "Might find out something interesting." She smiled. That happy victorious smile.

"I'm not going." I tell her.

If anything, her smile widens. "Suit yourself."

**xxx**

I'm wearing all black, to the absolute horror of Alice. She says I clash with her canary yellow Porsche.

Ridiculous. People aren't supposed to dress to match their car.

But she does apparently, though I don't see how yellow could match her sparkling grey top and denim shorts.

When I mention this, she replies primly that "You have absolutely no sense of fashion, Bella."

I do know that she is overdressed, though. But I don't tell her. She deserves to feel at least a little uncomfortable for bringing me here.

Sam's house is near the beach. Nothing fancy worth millions and a killer view, but it is the biggest in this area. Not counting the ones that are worth millions and have a killer view.

It hasn't changed much even with the death of Sam's dad and Seth's party. Not even a poster with congratulatory words. It hasn't been decked out with the "fairy lights" Alice is murmuring about under her breath.

In fact, the only thing different about the abnormally wide bungalow is the absence of his father's Old Spice deodorant and the appearance of a white table cloth on the dining table. And the people crowding around it, more than I expected. And the music that seems more fitting for a disco. Someone has also attached strobe lights to the living room ceiling.

I've been here only once before, dropping off Leah when her mother had locked her out.

It was the first time for Leah too.

**xxx**

_"Hey, come in, Lee Lee, Bells." Sam said as he pulled the door wider._

_Leah squeezed my hand even tighter before she pulled me in through the doorway. I was at once assaulted by the smell of Old Spice and a touch of marijuana._

_"So," Sam begins, "what's up?"_

_She explained the situation to him._

_When she finished, he nodded. "Alright, I'll fix up my room for you."_

_As soon as he leaves, she turns to me. "Bella, what do I do now?"_

_My mind goes blank. "Huh?"_

_"Don't tease me, what am I supposed to do?" she started tugging at her hair. "What if __**something**__ happens?"_

**xxx**

"Alice, Bella, you're here!"

"Hey Seth." Alice smiles charmingly and gives him a light hug.

He turns to me and pulls me into another hug. I ruffle his hair. "Congratulations on your jump!" I have to shout slightly to be heard.

"Thanks! I'm glad you could make it. Is my sister here?" he asks.

"I don't think so," I say. "She told your friend that Sam could go fuck himself."

He sighs. "I really wish she would get over Sam. It's just getting silly now."

Guilt pierces my chest, and I nod vaguely.

"So anyway, food and drinks on the table, and just ask me or Sam if you need anything." He turns back to Alice. "Can I get you anything?"

She blushes, and they disappear into the crowd

I fight my way towards the table and manage to grab a plastic cup of sprite. I sip it hoping dearly that it hasn't been spiked.

I wander around looking for a quiet corner to wait out this monotony. I settle for the kitchen. There's a woman around Leah's age puttering about. Opening cupboards and fishing out big bags of junk food and bringing it to the table, then coming back with an armful of plastic cups.

She's beautiful. Her hair is black and glossy like Leah's was before she decided to bleach it. Her skin has the same mocha tone as well. When she turns, I see that the left side of her face is scarred. It pulls the corner of her mouth and eye upwards, half of her expression a constant eerie grin.

It takes her a while to notice me sitting on the floor and leaning against the counter. When she does, cup of Sprite is empty and I'm left contemplating why the situation feels so familiar. My head so light, my body so heavy.

She collects my cup, throws it, and shits next to me.

"You're Bella, right? Bella Cullen?"

Her eyes are so beautiful. Such a deep color of brown. Like chocolate.

"Hey, are you alright?" she asks.

I realize that I'm not.

"I'm sorry." I tell her, "I think someone spiked my Sprite."

She sighs loudly. "I'll be right back." She tells me.

She exits the room and I hear shouting over the music.

"EMBRY! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPIKE THE SODA!"

I can't hear the reply, but I can hear laughter.

She comes back and rummages around in a cupboard. She hands me a small bag of Doritos. "Eat." She tells me. "I need you to be somber for the moment."

I don't question her. When I finish the Doritos, she hands me toast and a glass of water which I quickly drink and she quickly refills.

When my head grows clearer, she makes me sit at the table.

"So," I begin. "What do I need to be somber for?"

She bites her lip for a moment before beginning.

"You _are _Bella Cullen, right?"

I nod tentatively. "Yeah, um, is that a problem?"

Her eyes widen. "Oh, no, no, nothing like that, no, I just needed to be sure."

She grows quiet again. She's fiddling with a ring on the fourth finger of her left hand. Is she getting married?

"I'm not sure how to break this to you, but, I know that you were raped when you were sixteen."

A leaden weight lands in my stomach, pulling me towards the floor. All expression bleeds out of my face.

"What?" My voice is rough. I clear my throat.

"I've been having this person followed for a while."

She lets the music fill the pregnant pause between us.

_Say something._

Her fingers turn the ring faster. I watch them. So thin and delicate, moving like spider legs when they build their webs. Practiced and precise.

"I know who it was."

She whispers it, but I can still hear it over the laughter in the other rooms. It's as if it was silent. I hear a buzzing in my ears.

She licks her lips and starts again. "This- monster, he raped my best friend and -" her voice cracks and breaks. "She's dead now."

"You were his second target. You were supposed to be killed too, but…" she trails off and takes a sip of my water. Frowns. "Something went wrong with you. I don't know why you're still alive."

Her words send a chill down my spine. It spreads across my skin. I have goose bumps. I'm breathing too fast now. My mind is a blur or color, music, and fear.

Her lips tremble. "He has another target." She sighs roughly. "Maybe it would have been better if we were both drunk." She lamely jokes.

"Who is it?" my voice is raspy.

Her next words are like a knife slicing me clean in half.

"It's your sister, Rosalie Cullen. Royce King is planning to rape and kill your sister."

**AN: Congratz on reaching the end, I hope you enjoyed it :)**

**like or dislike, please tell me why and help me improve, I'd love to know what you think **

**if you have any other comments, feel free to leave them, I'd love them**

**especially if you can help me get the Cullen family in a setting that isn't the dinner table, that would ****_really_**** help.**

**i should probably also add that I am not getting paid to advertise Sprite and Doritos**

**and that I don't advertise smoking because it causes many health problems and I have asthma **

**i don't advertise underage drinking either**

**and I've never been drunk, just vaguely tipsy, so I can't properly write about experience very well.**

**excuses, excuses...**


	7. Stupid

**AN: Hey People!**

**Next installment! **

**Thanks for the faves and follows!**

**Edits on Chapter 1 (beginning portion, pretty important), chapter 4 (minor, but helps with characterization I guess) and Chapter 6 (just clening up the par where Jasper saves Bella) . :D**

**and Katy thanks for the long ass comment, I needed it :D**

_Disclaimer: all the stuff you recognize is mine. Everything else belongs to other people._

**October 2013**

**Stupid**

_Stupid._

I stand, pushing myself up abruptly. The table rocks against the sudden weight of my palms. Water sloshes in the glass. Half empty.

"Are you messing with me?"

"Huh?" She looks up at me with wide eyes, startled by my reaction.

_As if. _

"Do you think that I'm supposed to believe that? Who told you about me, was it Leah? Did you buy it off her?"

Her fingers still. The ring on her finger stops mid twist.

She clenches her jaw. "Leave Leah out of this."

_How dare she!_

"Oh, so now you're covering for her? Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!"

_I knew it. I knew she was still mad about Sam!_

_But why? Why the fuck would she **do** that? _

"Listen, I'm just trying to help you!"

_Excuse me?_

"Help me? Help me? No one in my goddamn life has ever stooped to low as to help me, so don't pretend that a complete stranger like you would do something for me purely out of the goodness of your heart!"

"Hey, my best friend is dead because of this guy, I'm just trying to keep you from going through what I went through."

"What, so you think Rosalie is my friend?"

"She's your sister isn't she?"

_Isn't she? I wish._

"You know what? You really have no idea what you're talking about. This bullshit has nothing to do with me. I'm leaving."

I head towards the door.

"Bella!" she shouts after me. I hear the scrape of her chair on the floor as she stands. I ignore her.

_Leah, why? Why would you do this to me? I thought it was supposed to be between us!_

_And bringing Rosalie in it is just low._

_Not that I care about her._

_I don't, right?_

All I see is a whirl of colors and darkness. People are dancing to a heavy beat; skin flashes different colors in the strobe light. It looks like they're twitching. Like a heart would if it had been pulled out of a chest.

I move through a space in the crowd, darting between grinding couples and friends messing around. I somehow find myself at the snack and drinks table. Em-what's-his-name is here, the guy who spiked the soda.

_Spiked soda doesn't sound too bad, actually. _

"Did you spike the Sprite again?" I shout up at him.

He smiles and pours me a cup. He fills it too high, but I don't care. I watch the dimples on his cheek.

"Sure thing!" he shouts right into my ear. He laughs.

**xxx**

_His cheeks dimpled when he smiled. It always did, even when he was skinnier than a twig. But now he is grown up. He looks more my age than I do despite being the younger one._

"_Thanks Bells!" He shouted in my ear._

_He dropped my gift to him, a copy of the fabled Wizard of Gore, onto his bed and pulled me into a hug._

_I laughed into his ear._

"_I hope I don't throw up on your carpet!"_

"_I hope I don't die laughing!"_

_I gave him a quizzical glance and ran my fingers in his long hair. "Only someone like you could laugh at so much blood." I told him._

_His grin only widened. It made my heart beat a little louder._

_Then as if planned, we both fell silent. His amber eyes meet mine, and we stare. I am fascinated by their color. I can't say that I've seen other eyes like that._

_I am suddenly struck by how old and how young we are. He seems so confident, so like a man. I am but a shadow, changing shape depending on where the sun shines._

_I wonder what he thought of then. I wonder if he thought he loved me, or if he was just playing._

_But I didn't care of what he thought then, my stomach was too full of butterflies._

_He leaned forward and my eyes shut._

**xxx**

I take a large gulp of my Sprite, and the carbonation burns my mouth and throat. It's almost comforting in the way it reminds me that I am alive. It hurts. Not just my throat, but in my chest. It burns like acid. Something crushes my lungs.

_I miss Jacob. Jacob would know what to do. Jacob knows everything._

_I shouldn't be thinking this._

I don't realize that I'm crying till I have to gasp for air. The thought mortifies me, and I quickly duck my head.

_Get out. Somewhere no one can see you hurting._

I move around the room at the sides where the people in their right minds stand. No one stops me. No one cares if I cry.

"Bella!" a hand grabs my arm and my sprite spills on my fingers. "Bells, are you alright?"

I look up, and it's Seth. Wonderful Seth, with eyes just like his sister. A beautiful shade of blackness.

"You're crying." He says.

"I'm not crying." I answer automatically.

_Bella Cullen doesn't cry. That's right. Cullens don't let anyone see them cry._

He looks me over once then shouts over his shoulder. "Alice, I'll be right back!"

_You don't have to do that._

"Yes I do," he says. I didn't realize that I said that aloud. "You're hurting. I can't just leave you alone."

He pulls me through the crowd and out the door.

There as some people outside. Couple's mostly, swinging their clasped hands in the yellow light of the streetlamps. Some are giggling, or kissing. All of them are walking down the road to see the beach. All of them seeking peace from the party.

Seth lets go of my arm awkwardly. "Come on." He mutters with a blush.

We follow couples in meandering like ants towards the seaside. Or rather, we cut through them swiftly, eager to be elsewhere but not really knowing where to go.

I hurriedly wipe my tears and clear my throat. It occurs to me that this is the first time I've ever been alone with Seth. I don't really know him. I don't know what to do.

"So, what's with you and Alice?" I ask to fill the silence.

I see him smile just before a streetlamp throws his face in darkness.

"Nothing," he says.

This kid is not a good liar.

I poke him in the ribs. "Come on, I know there's something between you."

_I don't really want to know._

"There's really nothing." He mumbles sadly. "She's so, I don't know. She's already told me that we aren't made for each other, but I just really like her."

His voice has grown softer.

_I know that feeling._

I throw my arm around him and ruffle his hair. "Things will get better." I promise him. I only wish that that was true.

We reach the beach and find a bit of driftwood to sit on. We watch a couple kiss, their feet in the icy water.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Seth asks. "About you crying, I mean?"

I shake my head.

"Do you want to talk about anything at all?" his voice has risen in pitch.

I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, and he is wringing his hands. I laugh somewhat bitterly.

"Its okay, Seth, I'm not like Alice with the whole weepy life story thing."

It's his turn to shake his head. "It's not that, Bells." He tells me. "I just don't want you sad. You've been acting different ever since you and Jake split up."

My mood sours. "This has nothing to do with Jake." My voice has a touch of ice in it.

"That's not true." He says quietly. "You and Jake were always together, but now you're just acting like a missing piece. Like you're holding on to something that isn't there."

He sighs. "It's like you aren't Bella anymore."

_But I __**am **__Bella. I've always been Bella._

"You used to hang with Angela more, and now she's become like a minor character in your life. Suddenly Leah is your lifeline. You're replacing Jacob with Leah."

_What?_

He turns and looks me in the eye. "I think you should talk to Jacob."

_Stupid._

"The fuck, Seth."

_Don't cry. Don't you fucking cry._

"Things are different know. I've moved on. Jacob is no longer a part of me. I don't care what happens to him."

"I know you still love Jacob."

_I do not._

I sneer at Seth. "Oh yeah? What are you, my psychologist or something?"

He ignores me. "I saw Jake the other day." He tells me.

_Where?_

"Yeah?"

"He looked happy." He continues sadly. "Happier than I've ever seen him."

_Why?_

"And why the hell should I care?" my voice is tight. Stupid voice. Stupid heart. Stupid everything!

_I need to smoke._

I fumble in my pocket for a cigarette. One left. I light it and blow the smoke up into the sky.

"You shouldn't smoke." Seth says unnecessarily.

"You should go back to Alice." I snap harshly.

He leaves me standing on the beach. It's cold. He air smells of salt and wetness, and secrets.

I look at the sky. It's never been so black before. So black that even the stars have to struggle to be seen. It's a full moon though. Give or take a few days.

Elder's Cliff casts a cold shadow that none can touch. There are no couples there, no happiness. Empty.

My feet bring me there with uneven steps. Wind bits my fingertips and threatens the small burn of my cigarette, making it flare.

I stare out into the ocean. Dark and menacing. Frothy. Uncontrollable.

_Seth is wrong._

_I don't love Jake. I don't think I've ever loved Jake. Or maybe I did, and he's the only one I'll ever love. Maybe love is a letdown and everyone pretends it's better than it is._

_Maybe it's easier to delude yourself into loving someone completely._

A wave hits the shore, and it reaches for me like fingers before being dragged backwards into the dark.

_Maybe it would be easier if I didn't exist._

_At the very least Carlisle will be happy._

_And Rosalie._

The tears are back, and I need to wipe them from my cheeks.

_Go home Bella. It would do us all a favor._

_No one wants you._

I turn and make my way back. I don't have a ride, so I'll just walk, I guess.

_Idiot. It's almost an hour from Forks to LaPush by car. You need to tell Alice that you're leaving, ask her if she can ride back with Seth._

Laughter stops me in my tracks.

_I know that laugh._

I look to my left.

On the driftwood where I sat with Seth is Jacob. He's laughing. He's not alone.

He's with a girl, but I can't see her face. She is doubled over, and her form is shaking.

When she lifts her face, our eyes meet. The smile on her face grows sheepish. She stands.

"Bella!" Leah shouts in her husky voice.

"Bella?" Jake asks from beside her. He turns his head and our eyes meet. "Bella! I haven't seen you since summer!"

He's walking towards me. Leah by his side.

_So Leah did betray me._

_Leah ruined everything._

_Leah took Jacob away._

**xxx**

_Jacob leaned forward and my eyes shut._

_There was a slam from downstairs._

"_JAKE!" Leah shouted from downstairs. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU BASTARD!"_

_Jacob freezed, his lips inches from mine._

_Leah shouted again. "I BROUGHT YOU CAKE!"_

_Jake smiled at me sheepishly. "Let's go down?" He asked and turned before he could hear an answer._

**xxx**

I turn. And I run.

They call my name, but I don't hear them.

I hear my heart. I hear wind. I hear my thoughts screaming nothing in my ears.

I hear my feet first on sand, then on cement.

I slow down when I am well past Seth's house.

The road is quiet. It's one of those roads with the yellow deer crossing signs. The ones with tall towering trees that look down on you.

I stand in the middle of the road and look up. I spin myself around to make the universe revolve. I can't see the moon from here.

_What if this was the last thing I ever saw?_

_I wish I could see the moon, at least._

Headlights. Round and bright like twin moons speed up the road towards me. A horn is pressed. Wheels squeal against the asphalt. It veers to my left.

It stops with a high pitched shriek.

The door opens and surprisingly Clair de Lune is playing on the stereo.

A man steps out.

"And what the fuck are you doing here?" Edward King growls at me.

**AN:Dun Dun Duuuuunnnnnn...**

**And that is that!**

**Review if you thought it was good, a ":)" will do.**

**or a ":(" if it sucked**

**or maybe a ":O" if you were dismayed.**

**did I make any mistakes?**

**Oh, I'd also like an opinion on the consistency of Bella's character. Any wrinkles I need to fold out and such.**


	8. Long Ride Home

**AN: so sorry this was late, my teachers just decided that it wouldbe a good time for a shit ton of homework. I know it took two weeks to write this, but I hope you like it even if it isn't exactly what I wanted. Either way, enjoy! :D**

**thanks for the follows, faves, and Katy's words of wisdom! :D**

**As for the rest of you...well...**

_Disclaimer: all stuff recognizable belongs to other people_

_Chapter 8_

**Long Ride Home**

The beginning of Clair de Lune fills the car.

For the third time.

Every single time it reaches the end, he presses the replay button.

_Like a robot._

Though the song peaceful, it makes me want to grind my teeth.

Or maybe it's the argument we had fifteen minutes ago that makes me want to grind my teeth to useless nubs.

**xxx**

"_And what the fuck are you doing here?" Edward King growled at me._

_My mind went blank._

"_Huh?"_

"_Are you trying to kill yourself?"_

_I didn't answer. What was I supposed to say? Yeah, I was thinking about it. And by the way, my best friend is secretly dating my ex and your brother is apparently a rapist._

_He rolled his eyes and grabbed my wrist. He dragged me to the car._

_Fear slammed into me like a concrete wall, but I quickly pushed it away for anger._

"_What are you doing?" I wanted to sound brave, but my voice was an octave too high for my liking. I pulled my wrist back and thankfully he let it go. I cradled it to my chest._

"_What else does it look like!" he snaps at me as he gets in the driver's seat. "I'm taking you home!"_

**xxx**

I peeked at him from behind my hair.

He glares at the windshield. His eyes are reflected in it. They are a brilliant green.

"Please stop staring at me," he says sharply. "I dislike being made an attraction at a zoo."

That colors my cheeks quickly and I look away.

"I was not staring." I reply calmly. "Besides, there's nothing to stare at."

He doesn't reply.

The song ends, and he reaches for the replay button. Again.

"Will you stop it?" The words that leave me are sharp with annoyance. They ring uncomfortably in the silence.

He pauses as if to think about it. "No." He says with an air of finality. His finger pushes the button and the song starts over filling the air with a facade of peacefulness.

_Bastard._

_Why is this even happening? Things like this don't happen in real life. _

_No one gets told that they know who their rapist is, realizes that their best friend is a liar, and almost gets run over by their sister's boyfriend's brother._

_I must still be tipsy._

I listen quietly as the song finishes. Replays.

The notes piss me off. I've never liked this song.

Mom used to play it on her crappy walkman. At least, I think she did.

"Hey," I try again. My cheeks grow heated for no reason. "Could you please change the song?"

He sighs noisily. "Listen here, Isabella. I've been going through a lot today, and I am very tired. If you don't stop pestering me, I'll just drop you off right here and let you walk home on your own." His voice is icy. His eyes meet mine in the windshield. They have darkened, and they send chills up my arms. My heart stutters.

They remind me of his father's.

I look away and take a few calming breaths.

_He can't hurt you._

My eyes watch the dark trees speeding away outside the window.

_Rather, he won't hurt you._

I glance at him again at his eyes, and they are still filled with storm clouds. They seem more black than green.

_He isn't hurting you yet._

Suddenly I'm on edge. My heart is trying to pound itself out of my chest, my blood is singing with adrenalin. My eyes buzz, and my hands start to shake.

_I shouldn't be here._

**xxx**

_Getting drunk had not been my idea. It belonged to Leah and Jake, but mostly Leah. She was the one responsible for us two minors. It didn't seem to faze her that we could get caught._

"_You're thinking about those fancy clubs from the movies" she said as she put make up on my face in an attempt to make me look older. "Relax." She told me. "This isn't anything like that."_

_It wasn't. The entrance to The Room was located in an alleyway. There was no guard at the door wearing dark glasses, and no one checked our IDs. And then there was the smell. _

_It was nothing like I'd ever imagined. It was sweat and food and oil and alcohol. It was only made more nauseating by the mixture of fluorescent and neon lights that cursed my eyes with the ability to see the people I had to press against as I followed Leah and Jake towards the bar._

_A majority of them were male._

_They all had dark round eyes. Like pigs._

_We managed squeeze into three seats at the bar. Jake sat between us._

"_Hey Lee Lee!" a bartender with dark curly hair greeted her. He came up to her and smiled. "Haven't seen you in a while, what's up with that?"_

_She smiled right back at him, and her smile sent a pang of jealousy through her heart. I wished that I could make her smile so easily._

"_Just been busy, I guess. Where's James?" she asked._

_The bartender rolled his eyes. "Running late, as usual."_

_She chuckled at that. "Hey Emil, could you get me a beer and these guys the cheapest shot?"_

_"The cheapest shot!" Emil exclaimed in mock horror. "Would you really do that to your friends?"_

_It was Leah's turn to roll her eyes. "As you can no doubt tell," she said, slapping a crumpled ten dollar bill on the counter. "I'm still pretty poor."_

_He glanced at us. "Are they even old enough?"_

_"We're old enough." Jake answered for back straightened and he met the bartender's hard look evenly._

_"ID." _

_We handed over our fakes, and Emil held them under a flashlight so as to see them better. _

_His smile became a grimace. He tucked the flashlight away and handed back our IDs. _

_"I'll be right back with your drinks." He said before picking up Leah's money and walking away. _

_My panic skyrocketed. I tensed. My fingers fumbled with the ID as I tried to put it away and I nearly dropped it. _

_"You okay there, Bells?" Jake asked concerned._

_"Of course not! We shouldn't even be here!" I wanted to shout. But I didn't, I didn't want to be left out. Instead, __I nodded dumbly._

_Emil returned with three glasses of ice and a bottle of beer._

_"For the lovely Annabel Lee, a bottle of the finest beer in town." He said as he placed Leah's order before her. He finished with a theatrical bow and flourish of his empty hand. _

_"And for the highborn kinsmen of this fair lady, the cheapest drink in the house."_

_He placed two tall glasses of clear liquid before us. _

_"So cheap, it's practically free." He told me with a wink. _

_"Emil!" Leah whined. _

_"Hey, rules are rules. Besides, at least I'm no kicking them out."_

_"Maybe you should stop acting like a contradicting dickhead." She suggested scathingly. _

_"Sorry, no can do Lee, maybe in a few years when they're out of high school."_

_She sighed noisily. "This is why I wanted James."_

_"Hey now," Emil teased "don't act your age or you might get caught."_

_Leah stuck her tongue out. "Screw you." She hissed before grabbing her beer with one hand Jake's arm with the other. She pulled him off the stool. "Come on Jake, let's dance." _

_Jacob shot me an apologetic look, but he let himself get dragged onto the dance floor. _

_I watched him for a while, nursing my glass of water. I didn't like how the crowd forced them together so that they were almost grinding into each other. Jacob wasn't a very good dancer, but I still wished that I was Leah. When they were forced even closer, I looked away. _

_"Did they ditch you?" _

_I looked up into the warm brown eyes if the bartender. _

_I smiled wanly. "Something like that." I said. _

_"I know how you feel." he told me. "If it was up to me, you guys wouldn't even be here. But, this isn't my place, and the owner likes having her over or some reason. Men are all the same." He despaired sarcastically. I laughed at that._

_He smiled at me. "Emil." He introduced himself. He offered his hand. _

_I took it. "Bella."_

_"And so, pretty Bella, what might a high school sophomore be doing in a place like this." He spun a coaster with his fingers. _

_I wondered how he knew that. _

_"A reason as mysterious as your knowledge of Edgar Allen Poe."_

_His eyebrows rose. "You caught that? I didn't think you were the literary type."_

"_I'm not as literary as some might think." The truth left my mouth so easily that it startled me. He was just so disarming with his soft smile. "My step mother just has a collection of his work."_

_We talked about him and me. He was a college student in a small community college in Port Angeles, he liked to cook because he liked to eat, and he's always wanted a cat._

_I told him I was still in high school, how I met Jake, and where I lived before I lived with the Cullens. It was something I'd never even told Leah, but it fell easily - almost too easily – from my mouth. I talked till I forgot about Leah and Jacob dancing behind me, and till my tongue had the texture of sandpaper._

_He grinned at the sound of my cracking voice._

_"So, how about this, pretty Bella. I'll get you a shake and put it on Leah's tab if you sit still for a few minutes." _

_"Deal."_

_"Any particular flavor in mind?"_

_"Mango?" I shrugged._

_He winked at me. "Gotcha."_

_But it wasn't Emil who came back with my shake. The tall glass was slid smoothly over the wooden counter by a large white hand. When I looked up, my eyes met the murky blue eyes of a stranger. _

"_I'm James," he whispered softly. His breath smelt of mint. "Emil just stepped out for the moment. A customer was having a bit of a problem, and he doubles as security."_

_This made my eyebrows rise. I hadn't heard a fight. "Will he be okay though?" Emil was certainly well built, but I was still worried._

_James read my mind and set me at ease immediately. "Emil can take care of himself. He has a lot of experience. He can put most people to the floor. Just wait a second, and he'll be right back." _

_I nodded and sipped my shake._

_Everything after that was a blur of darkness and confusion._

_I remember the empty shot glasses, four of them. And the taste of alcohol in my mouth. It's strange how I've always hated the stench and taste of alcohol while I've never had qualms with smoking._

_I don't recall standing, but I remember rubbing my poor excuse for tits in someone's face, and tripping over a set of feet._

_"Hey, are you alright?" A man asked me. "Do you want to sit down?"_

_"No!" I shouted, wobbling in Leah's heels. "I want to dance."_

_I remember holding a hand and stumbling after a figure. We were both laughing, but I could feel the muscles in my cheeks aching._

_I clearly heard the sickening crack of the mirror as my body was pushed into the wall. Pain shot through my skull. Black spots danced in my already blurred vision. _

_Hands. Hands everywhere on my skin. A body pressed against mine so that the tap of a sink is pressed into my back. _

_Where am I?_

_My eyes focused on the bright florescent light bulb on the ceiling. It flickered every ten or so seconds. Briefly so you could barely realize that it did. _

_It was the smell of piss that told me where I was. I was at The Room, misogynistic bar in Port Angeles. My first time drinking, being lightweight, leaving Leah and Jake on the dance floor. Shots. _

_You idiot. _

_It was his hand that brought me back to reality. It was ice cold. It caressed the inside of my thigh. _

_I jumped. _

_"No..." I tried to say. My tongue was like a foreign entity in my mouth. A piece of lifeless meat. _

_My arms felt the same, but I pushed as hard as I could against the man's chest. _

_He chuckled. _

_"Knew you had a bit of fight in you." He murmured into the skin of my neck. _

_His fingers brushed against my core and a bolt of electricity shot through my nerves. _

_Suddenly I was alive. I kicked and pushed, and when I opened my mouth to scream, his large hand clamped down on my mouth. _

_"MMFFFMMMMNNNN" I screamed into his palm._

_He grabbed my jaw and slammed my head back into the mirror. More spots dance. They swell and shrink and alarming rates. _

_I felt myself slide downwards till the faucet dugs into my shoulder. I saw the fluorescent lights again._

_The man bent over me. His figure blocked the light so that his face was shrouded in darkness. He leaned in, and under the smell of piss I detected a small whiff of vanilla._

_"As much as I like your fight, I can't say I'll enjoy nursing this black eye."_

_My eyesight wasn't clearing. I made a feeble swipe at the darkness. I hit him, but it was not good enough. He trapped my hands with his own._

_I felt pain between my legs. I gasped. My eyes opened wide to fight the growing dark spots. I couldn't make out his face, but I did see his hair. _

_I may be mistaken, but under fluorescent lights, the hair was most definitely blonde. _

_I disappeared in the darkness._

**xxx**

"Hey!"

I jump in my seat as if electrified. The green eyes that meet mine are filled with distaste.

"While I prefer this method of not speaking, I hardly think it's necessary for you to start breathing so noisily."

This stuns me into silence.

"Breath noisily?" I croak. An irrational anger swells in my chest and overtakes my rapid rabbit heart.

"I didn't think that you would be one of those ditsy flashback girls." He mutters with a sigh.

His words make me explode.

"Oh?" I say sharply, "and what do you know of girls?"

His brow furrows. "Do you want to walk home?" his voice is acid.

"What is your problem?" I exclaim angrily. I'm leaning forward in my seat now, turned so I'm facing him.

"I think it should be me asking you that."

"You're the one who almost ran me over!"

"You were the one standing in the middle of the road at night!"

I'm shouting now. "And that's my business, who are you to interfere?"

Clair de Lune ends, and silence fills the car.

He doesn't press replay, and I settle back into my seat.

I don't watch him. Instead, I look out the window. The trees are beginning to thin. Within minutes, I we will be surrounded by buildings and civilization.

"I thought you would like a China Doll."

Edward's words are so quiet that I almost miss them.

My head whips around.

"You thought I was superficial." I deadpanned.

"I thought you were pretending to be the perfect blushing daughter, while having a secret obsession for books."

His words almost make me smile. They ease something in me.

"Yeah, I'm not very literate."

"Shame." He says.

He lets silence fill the air between us. It isn't as tensed as it was before, it calms me.

"On the topic of books," I say suddenly as the question comes to mind, "do you remember the birthday present you and your family gave me?"

He nods. "The notebook?"

"Someone wrote a quote in it from the Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. Who was it?"

His lips form a grim line.

"Just someone." his voice is low and defensive. He wont say anymore.

For some reason I don't push. Though I'm curious, at the same time I don't really want to know. I bet it's him. Creepy and mysterious seem to be synonymous with his name.

When I catch sight of them again, thr eyes in the windshield seem more blue than green.

He drives on in silence. Before long we hit civilization, or as close to that as Forks can get. He stops the car on front of the Cullen house; pale blue with white trimmings. A small well kept garden. A house so fake that it is identical to the photos in the windows of a real estate company.

I sit still in the car for a moment, relishing the silence. I am reluctant to break it.

"Thanks." I mutter. I want to wince at the loudness of my voice.

He clears his throat. "It's no problem." His voice is hard.

The tone of his voice makes me want to say something bitter to him, but I reign in the urge.

I open the car door and step outside.

"You're not like how I thought you were." He tells me through the open door.

I didn't expect him to try and speak to me, and my eyebrows rise. "Neither are you." I cautiously shoot back.

"You remind me of someone I know."

I scoff. "That's just what you think. You've only known me for thirty minutes."

He laughed aloud, albeit bitterly. "I'm quite the excellent judge of character."

"Is that why you read me wrong?" I roll my eyes at him before I slam the door shut, effectively cutting off any words he was about to say.

He drives away and I listen for when his wheels turn the corner at the end of the street.

I walk up the short gravel path and ease the front door open and close. I slip my shoes off, and tiptoe up the stairs in the dark. My hands feel the banister as I tread over the creakier steps.

I push open my door and slip in through the crack, embracing the darkness of my room.

It is only here in my bed that I realized that I never asked Edward what he was doing in LaPush.

**Congratz on hitting the end!**

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**Ciao!**


	9. Taking a Chance

**AN: I know this is late, but I'm actually kind of happy with it. The Indian food I ate must be helping. **

**Thanks for reading guys! Thanks Katy! ;)**

_Disclaimer: Everything is mine unless you recognize it._

**Taking a Chance**

The sound of rain permeates my subconscious, and my head throbs to the beat of droplets on the roof; light but unpredictable.

My body feels as if it's waterlogged, left to soak in a barrel of water. My eyes are the texture of a desert. When I open them, the sight of the dusty ceiling blinds me.

The events of last night come to me slowly, dripping with a mixture of molasses and alcohol.

I remember Ro-

No I don't. I don't remember anything about that.

But I remember wishing I could see the moon and the earth spinning beneath my feet. I remember someone shouting at me and Clair de Lune.

I remember Seth walking me out, saying something about Leah and Angela.

I remember an all too familiar face, and in it, a set of eyes that shone brightly like suns.

Jacob. And next to him: Leah.

_Leah._

_Shit, something I can't forget_

I groan as my headache triples. I curl into a ball under the comforter.

The wind shifts, and rain now pelts against my window.

My thoughts pelt my brain in exactly the same way: desperate and demanding.

I don't want to listen, but I still hear them. I still see them.

**xxx**

_Jacob flipping his black hair out of his eyes, seemingly happier than I've ever seen him. _

_Leah; bent over at the waist, her face in the shadow of her blonde hair._

_Her face when she sees me, a blur of emotions, settling on happiness with a touch of shame._

"_Bella!" Leah shouts in her husky voice._

"_Bella?" Jake questions from beside her. He turns his head and his bright amber eyes meet mine. Time slows and pain blossoms in my chest._

"_Bella! I haven't seen you since summer!" the way he says my name makes me wish the ground would swallow me whole. He says it like nothing ever happened._

_He's walking towards me, Leah by his side. Leah, not me. _

**xxx**

I squeeze my eyes shut in hopes to block out the images, but they keep coming.

_They're happy without you._

_They don't need you anymore._

_After all, you always were the third wheel._

I don't know what hurts more, seeing Jake again, or Leah keeping everything from me.

I don't know why it even hurts.

Leah never liked me, not since Sam, not ever. Jake never loved me, and I never loved Jake. Jake was experimental, I was exploring. We were exploiting each other. None of what we had meant, no, _means_ anything to me.

It isn't worth crying over.

The sobs rise without warning. Within seconds, I am gasping for air. My heart beats too quickly, too painfully. Something is squeezing me from the inside. My hands fist my blanket and I bring them to my mouth to muffle myself.

_Leah doesn't love you. Not like she loves him._

My door slams open.

I jerk in surprise, but I can't seem to control the sobs. If anything, they grow more violent when I catch sight of long blonde hair. My tears distort her face.

"What the fuck are you doing having a breakdown at five a.m.?" Rosalie hisses.

_Oh God, why is she awake? _

_She sees how pathetic you are._

_And Royce is going to hurt her._

That sends me into another fit of sobs, each one louder than the next. I clamp my hands over my nose and mouth, keeping the sound sealed within me. I lay silent on my bed, convulsing with every sob. I screw my eyes shut so I can't see her.

_Don't look at me._

_I cant see you._

_I don't remember anything._

Rosalie sighs roughly "Oh, for fucks sake!"

The mattress dips under her weight. She wraps her arms around me awkwardly, and I lean into the touch. I would have pushed her away had the feeling not been so delicious.

_This is the first time she's ever touched you of her own accord._

_Maybe she will mind if you didn't exist._

_I don't remember anything._

"If you don't shut up right now, Mom will wake up and cause a scene." She threatens.

Another tidal wave of tears threatens to overcome me, but I swallow it down. Eventually, my heart slows, and I am able to wipe my tears away.

Rosalie drops her arms. Suddenly I feel cold.

"So," Rose's voice is empty of emotion. "You went to the party." It isn't a question, but a statement.

My heart skips a beat. I had hoped that she wouldn't find out. I open my mouth to spout a lie.

"Don't lie to me, Isabella, it pisses me off." She looks at me with those eyes that she shares with her father.

I swallow. "How'd you know?"

"Your breath smells like alcohol." My face colors. "And…you're crying." She finishes quietly.

I scowl at my lap. I roughly wipe away the tears.

_She saw how pathetic you are._

"I am definitely not crying." My voice lacks conviction.

"Was it because of me?"

"What?" her question isn't what I expected.

Rosalie clears her throat. "Did you go because of me?"

"No, of course not!" _ A lie_. "I promised Alice I would go with her."

"You've broken promises before."

"Have not!" I say indignantly. Rosalie clamps a hand over my mouth.

"SHHHHH!" she whispers. "Do you want to get in trouble?"

I imagine Carlisle shaking his head at me and sighing. I shake my head.

When she is certain I understand her, she drops her hand. Silence fills the space between us.

She clears her throat. "I'm sorry." she mumbles.

I blink slowly. Once, then twice. I have the urge to pinch my skin, or something of a similar effect.

"Leah asked me to keep tabs on you. She told me not to let you go to Sam's party."

I dig my fingernails into my hand.

"I knew," Rose confesses quietly. "About Leah and Jacob. They've been at it for a while."

Her words fill me with ice. Flurries of emotions wash over me, but none of them surface as dominant. They all sink as quickly as they appear.

"I just wanted you to know what it felt like. To lose someone so underhandedly, I mean." She licks her lips nervously.

We're so quiet I can hear my heart beating in my ears.

I'm watching my hands now. They have tiny half moons from my nails. My fingers twist and untwist as if the movement is practiced, like spider fingers playing with a ring. But they are too short to be a spider's legs. Déjà vu hits me along with a rising sense of panic.

_I don't remember anything._

I close my eyes and push the dangerous feelings and images away. I won't let it doesn't distract me. I have to hear this.

"I don't know about Leah's deal, but I think it's no secret that I don't like you, Bella. For as long as I can remember, you have ruined everything for me. I'm just giving you what you deserve."

"I don't understand."

I don't, but I regret my words as soon as I say them. I realize that I don't want to hear her reason, but words tumble from my mouth anyway.

"I don't understand. Why are you doing this? Why is _she _doing this? What did I do to make you feel that way?" A tear makes its way down my cheek, clinging to the end of my chin. "Why does everyone hate me?" My throat closes unexpectedly, and my voice grows impossibly softer.

_I said it._

She turns to stone. The early morning light that timidly enters through my window divides her face into two separate halves. The first, having the majority of light, is cold and hard. The second, swallowed by shadow, holds an emotion akin to sadness, but not quite.

"I think it's obvious why I hate you. Maybe you did the same thing to Leah."

She stands and leaves, closing the door softly behind her. My eyes are transfixed on the place she sat, the mattress and blankets still holding the only proof of her form.

I smooth it out before lying back down.

I watch the ceiling brighter and brighter. Sometime along the way, the rain stops. I realize that me headache is gone.

It is only when my alarm rings at seven signaling the "start" of a new day that I get out of bed.

Rosalie is gone by the time I am downstairs, and Jasper pulls me into a hug just before leaving. Carlisle ignores me.

I eat breakfast with a chattering Esme, her eyes and demeanor clearly a byproduct of her medication. She produces so much noise that it's easier to just tune her out rather than pay attention.

I kiss her goodbye before exiting through the door.

**xxx**

I am late, though I strangely don't care. I usually try to act like I don't care, but now, the feeling is genuine. I am no longer a part of my body. It moves automatically, clumsily.

When Banner asks, I say I didn't do the homework. He smirks when he thinks that I am not looking.

New Girl picks a fight with me in the hallways. She shoves me while simultaneously turning her head to see Laurens reaction.

"You little bitch!" she shouts in my face. "You shoved me!" Some spit lands in my eye.

"You call your pitiful bump a shove? I'll show you a real shove!" I push her with all my might into the lockers behind her. There is a resounding clang when her head makes contact with metal. There is a resounding thump as she slides to the floor. Her head leaves a small trail of blood.

There is a shriek and a resounding slap as Lauren's palm makes contact with my face.

I am so numb that I don't feel it.

**xxx**

I can honestly say I didn't mean to. I didn't, but I don't feel the guilt. It slides off me, as if it was rain off an umbrella.

Principal Green does not believe me. He never does.

After all, I am the Problem Child, Public Enemy Number 1. He may have even taken a leaf out of Carlisles book and called me a "Black Sheep".

"Detention after school." his tired voice informs me from behind the stacks of paper on his desk. "I don't care what you say, Cullen, so don't try to explain yourself."

That bastard.

I'm mad, yet at the same time not mad. I am strung between a world of color and a world of nothingness.

I throw my poor excuse of a backpack onto the cement ground behind the bike shed. Angela is already there.

"What was up with that?" she asks, looking up.

"Nothing." I mutter, trying to sound angry. "Just some sass from New Girl and general injustice from the world."

Angela chuckles. "Do I need to 'mess her up'?" she starts laughing. Loudly. I am startled into myself for a moment.

I raise an eyebrow. "You're in a really good mood, aren't you?"

She snorts. "What a staggering observation."

I shrug and sit down next to her. "Sometimes I get these flashes of genius."

We sit in silence together, neither smoking. Angela is leaning against my arm, her head making itself comfortable on my shoulder. She smells of smoke and vanilla.

My eyes close.

I don't know how long we sit like this, but I do not care. I hear leaves and strong winds, and far off rain. I hear chirps from the trees and useless chatter from the classrooms.

I feel rather than hear Angela's breath on my neck. I feel rather than hear Angela's steady heartbeat. Angela, for all her bright enthusiasm, brings me the most calm. She simply reeks of tranquility, though I know I would receive a well aimed kick if I told her, and it seeps into my skin. And as it seeps, I too seep back into my body.

"What do you say we ditch the rest of school?" Her words do not break the silence, rather, they complete it.

"Sounds good to me." I answer, not really thinking of the consequences. I am too absorbed in the way my voice completely ruins the atmosphere.

"Movie?"

I don't want her to hear my voice. "Mhm."

She pushes herself off of the ground, and pulls me up by the hand. Our fingers are twined as we walk to the parking lot.

"My car." She says. "Your piece of junk is way too slow."

"Hey!" I am indignant. "My car is old enough to be your car's grandparent, show some respect!"

She laughs again.

When we drive out of the parking lot in Angela's old white Mercury, music is blasting from her radio, and our hands are still entwined.

I've missed Angela.

**xxx**

"So I heard from Embry that you were at the party." Angela has to shout slightly over the music.

I rifle through my brain at the familiar name. "Embry?" I shout back.

I can practically see her rolling her eyes. "Yeah, you know the guy who came to invite us? After Seth's jump?"

I vaguely recall a tall dark figure. With dimples. It hits me. "Oh, the guy who spiked the soda?"

She laughs "Yeah, he's always doing things like that. Gets on Emily's nerves a lot."

I am once again stumped. "Emily?"

"Geez, Bells, did you drink or something? Emily is Sam's fiancée."

My eyes grow wide. "Sam has a fiancée?"

Angela sighs noisily in exasperation. "Where the hell have you been these past few months?"

_Hanging out with Leah._

"You sure you don't remember her?" She gives me a sideways glance. "She's pretty memorable. Tall, black hair, scar on her face?"

I push the images of the woman out of my mind. "Sounds familiar."

She rolls her eyes again. "Anyway, she complains a lot about Embry."

"How'd you know so much? About them, I mean." _How much do you know?_

"Sometimes I go down just to hang with Seth. You know, when you and Leah are together."

It takes me a moment to process this. "Oh."

_Was Seth right? Has Angela become a minor character? Has she become so minor that she has forgotten about me?_

She catches my hesitation. "Honestly Bells, it's no problem. I have fun with Seth, I'm alright."

_She seems innocent enough._

"Look, I'm really sorry." _Do I really mean that? What if-_

She cuts me off. "It's okay, Bells. I'm fine. I can take care of myself." She pauses. "And I'll always be on your side." I can hear a smidgeon of hurt in her voice. "Just in case you were starting to doubt me."

Guilt swells in within me. "I'm sorry." I reach for her hand, and her long delicate fingers thread themselves between my short ones. "You know how suspicious I can get of other people."

I glance at Angela from the corner of my eye.

Her corn silk hair is dyed black and cut unevenly. Her pale bow lips in a small smile showing off faintly coffee stained teeth. She has a small pimple under her chin.

Angela has always seemed so warm and human. She sings along to the crappy music on the radio and taps the beat onto the steering wheel with the fingers of the hand that isn't entwined with mine.

We hit a stoplight and Angela turns to me. "Are you sure you didn't see Emily? She told me she saw you."

Now that was strange. "She did?"

_Why is she asking?_

"Are you keeping tabs on me or something?" I ask jokingly.

Her foot presses on the gas. "Nah, she just mentioned you. Said you had a chat." She makes air quotes with her fingers at the word "chat". My hart skips a beat as she takes her hand off the wheel.

"Why does it matter though?"

"She said she had something important to tell you. I guess I just figured it _would_ be important. As in, you would remember it."

"Don't blame me, I was drinking. I don't remember things when I drink."

"I think it's more that you want to forget rather than really forget." She tells me. "But I won't force you to remember what you don't want to."

When her phone starts ringing she turns down the volume and orders me to loot through her dirty messenger bag for her phone. I find the newest iPhone stashed in a pocket with an empty pack of cigarettes, a mysterious white pill, and her keys. The phone screen is cracked and scratched.

It is the name of the caller that prompts me to press the red decline button.

I appropriately school my face into one of apology. "Ah shit, Angie, I'm sorry! I must have pressed it my accident. God, I'm so sorry!"

She gazes at me hard and I struggle to keep my face clear of guilt. She rolls her eyes at me again. "Take a chill pill, its fine. They'll call back if it's really important."

"Sorry!" I tell her again even as I place the phone in a different pocket. This one has a hardbound book, a chain, a crumpled plastic bag, and other miscellaneous objects.

I monitor my breath, keeping it as even as I can. I would return my hand to Angela's had my fingers not grown cold as ice.

I study her surreptitiously from behind my hair. The small smile is gone from her lips.

_She said she was on your side._

_Is she really?_

_Will you take that chance?_

_She's known you the longest, even if she doesn't know everything._

_Will you take the chance?_

The truthful answer is: I don't know.

But acting under the idea that she doesn't know anything, this should be totally normal. This should be…expected.

_Will I take the chance?_

The rest of the evening goes by, but her phone never rings again. She doesn't check it either. Despite this, I can't get it out of her head. It's all I think about as we chose a rerun for The Hobbit, and I almost religiously fill my mouth with popcorn.

Even after the movie when I'm laughing with Angela, I can't get it out of my head. When she asks what's wrong, I divert her attention with a smile and a humble "Sorry, It's nothing. I was just thinking about what happened earlier"

She purses her lips. "That's why I brought you here, though, to get it out of your head."

"You did!"

"No I didn't." she's mad at herself. "I'm sorry. I just wasted your time. I'll take you home now." The words are robotic. And they break my heart.

I pull her into a hug. She's taller than me, my head coming to rest under her chin. "No, Angie, I'm sorry. I should have put more effort into this. I'm sorry."

_What am I doing?_

Her arms wrap around me.

"Let's go home?" her voice is warm again, flowing, human.

"Mhm." I mumble. I don't want to hear my voice after hearing hers. Nothing can make me ruin this moment, no matter how fleeting it is.

All too soon, we are back in the car, driving to the Cullen's house. The silence that buzzes between us is peaceful. It lulls me to sleep

For a moment, that moment, I forget about Angela's phone. I forget that the caller ID read Leah Clearwater.

**AN: feedback? it makes me smile.**


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